Parents as Partners

Do you remember Y2K and all of the predictions that didn't come true? As a nation, we were convinced that the advent of the new millennium (even though it didn't technically start until 2001) would bring vast volumes of doom, and we spent billions to avoid this frightening fate.

Order "Sustaining Visionary Leadership," the Winter 2005 issue of Independent School magazine.

Of course, nothing catastrophic happened. The ball fell on Times Square, the world went on with its business, and those of us in schools ended one year and prepared for another. But, when it came to education, some of the predictions and some of the concerns and observations about changes in the American culture had significant import — and those of us in the school business ignore them at our peril.

In the fall of 2000, our Greensboro Day School faculty and trustees began the year by asking a demographer, Marilyn Moats Kennedy, to talk with us about the changes we might expect in our schools — not in terms of racial, gender, or ethnic diversity, but rather in terms of age diversity. As is true of many schools, much of the school faculty — indeed, our core group of veteran teachers — were exclusively of Baby Boom generation, as was virtually the whole administration. Yet the nation was increasingly coming under the influence of different generation, Generation X.

What we learned was simple, but profound: Boomers approach the world differently than do the Generation X cohort — in everything from values to motivation to expectations to interest in and use of computer technology (see sidebar below). And the generational differences matter when it comes to how schools function and how the two generations work together on behalf of children.

The faculty was intrigued and even a little amused by all of this. The teachers recognized themselves and saw in the Gen X traits the behaviors of their children, our young alumni, and the very few young colleagues in our ranks. But they also learned something of great significance. As the demographer explained, they needed to find ways to communicate effectively with these young people, because they were coming of age and would soon dominate the marketplace. If those of us in power at that time failed to see the shift in attitude, ultimately we would become ineffective educators and, perhaps, irrelevant.

Understanding Generation X Parents Much has been written over the years about the differences in outlook between Baby Boomers and members of Generation X. For schools, however, the differences are not simply cultural curiosities. Understanding these differences is essential to running a successful school today — especially in schools with Baby Boomer administrators and Generation X parents. Consider the following list:
Boomers (1946-1959)	Gen X (1969-1978)
Believe work comes first	Believe lifestyle comes first
Expect to lead	Feel no need to lead
Are loyal to employer	Are loyal to their skills
Care deeply what others think	Don't care what others think
Want others to work with them	Prefer to work alone
Give lip service to mission	Must have mission
Are technologically challenged	Are technologically savvy
Work hard, play hard, spend hard, talk about it	Work hard if it doesn't interfere; save money
Exercise for body definition	Exercise for mental health
Value family and friends	Value their friends as family
Seek prestige	Seek value added
Are motivated by: money, promotion, public recognition, and control	Are motivated by: time off, meeting own goals, recognition from boss, stock options, and mentoring
Value in the marketplace: prove it's best; tell me quick and true; variable price; marquee names only.	Value in the marketplace: facts and peer referrals; does quality meet my expectations? tell me every detail; cost plus; don't pay for prestige name.

The past four years have only come to prove the wisdom of this observation. Today, a few of the faculty and staff are beginning to retire, and the Gen Xers are increasingly assuming positions of authority in all aspects of school life. Perhaps most significantly of all, they are increasingly the parents we are encountering in our schools.

I am in my 19th year as a head of school. When I started, I was one of the youngest of my cohort, and my board chairs and trustees all were older than I. That changed very quickly. Nearly a decade ago, I worked with the first board chair who was younger than I was, and they all have been younger ever since. Most of the teachers in the school are also younger, and virtually all of the parents. Many of these parents are alumni whom I have taught, including my own children!

Why do we need to remind ourselves of this changing of the guard? Because adjusting to the changes will make us better educators and make our schools more effective. Take parents, for instance. In professional meeting after meeting and in article after article we hear that parents simply are not what they used to be; that they demand more and different things from our schools. Well, guess what? They are different and they do demand different things than parents in years past. The world is changing, and our populace changes with it. And if, as educators, we fail to see the importance of that change, then we will, indeed, become ineffective.

One of the most outstanding parenting experts I know is Dr. Michael Thompson. During a visit to my school a couple of years ago, he quipped — but with sincerity — that some five percent of the parents we deal with are often certifiably psychotic. That may well be true. I certainly found that to be the case when I was in the restaurant business in college. While most of the patrons were very nice, we could count on a few nuts who managed to make our day interesting and provided stories I still like to tell.

The same is true for the parent population in schools. Yes, there are some unreasonable, demanding, demeaning, and even dangerous people whose unfortunate children are trying to make their way through our schools despite the roadblocks their parents hurl in front of them and their teachers. But most parents of our students, in my experience, are caring, generous, devoted to their children and to the school, and want very much to be a part of the solution. They volunteer their time through the parents' association, the board of trustees, trustee committees and task forces, and in the classroom. They bake cookies for the classroom, prepare "thank you" lunches for the faculty and staff, work hard to raise funds in annual and capital fund drives, and give generously of their own financial resources to the school.

There are differences in today's parents. Remember, these are the children we were teaching just 15 or more years ago. They view the world differently, just as our demographer said they would. And they interact with our schools differently, often to our benefit and to their children's benefit.

What are some of the differences we are seeing? Dads show up to kindergarten orientation sessions, volunteer in the classroom, and attend men-only parenting groups. Moms with demanding careers carve time out of their professional days, just as dads do, and serve on school committees, boards, and task forces. Parents support girls' athletics as they have always supported boys' athletics. And they support community service as an integral part of "school," of a good education. With the diversity of our student bodies comes a great diversity among the parents — and this diversity is shaping the reshaping the culture of schools. Mostly what we are seeing are highly committed parents. Once convinced of the quality of the school, they work tirelessly in multiple ways to support the school and its mission.

We educators have always known that children learn better when their parents are involved in some way with the school. The current generation of independent school parents wants to be involved in multiple ways, and their children and our schools will only benefit from this phenomenon. We do, however, need to learn how to help them to become involved in meaningful and effective ways and to be advocates for our schools.

Here are some suggestions for improving parent relations and getting parents involved with the school program:

• Know your parents and understand what motivates them.
• Communicate the value of the school: why is this independent, and expensive, school worth it?
• Use your own resources and outside experts to help you teach a "parent curriculum" to your school families.
• Demonstrate that the school administration and trustees are being good stewards of the school's resources.
• Find ways to mitigate the rate of tuition increases, through a combination of savings and alternate sources of income.
• Communicate in multiple ways with parents, using electronic technology in as many ways as are effective (e.g.: online newsletters, password-protected websites that give a running account of students' grades and teacher comments, individual e-mail communication on issues of interest).
• Use face-to-face meetings judiciously and effectively. Plan them well.
• Organize parent task forces, with clear goals and a defined term of service.
• Be aware of cultural differences in the parent body. Respect them and celebrate them.
• Find multiple ways to integrate the cultures and values of your parents into the curriculum and the life of the school.
• Ensure that there are no "guests" at the school's table; that all parents feel enfranchised in the life of the school.
• Provide parents with multiple ways to give financially to the school, showing how each gift will affect the educational process.
• Find multiple ways to thank parents for sharing their time and talent with the school. You can't thank people too much nor too often.

And parents need professional educators as partners in the educational process. While the home schooling movement is one of the fastest growing educational movements in our nation today, most parents do not have the professional knowledge and training to teach the curriculum and to provide the appropriate social setting that will prepare children to be leaders and contributors in this 21st century. We also can't expect them to know how to be effective partners in this process automatically. We have to teach them.

Neither parents nor schools can go it alone. We need each other to fulfill our missions as educators and as parents. And, like any other social interaction, once we understand each other and buy into a common value system, we can work together to create something extraordinarily worth it for our children.

Ralph Davison is headmaster of Greensboro Day School (NC).