Find the Right School

Every independent school provides a unique educational experience, so how do you decide which schools will be a good fit for your child? Think about:

• School Type. Do you want a day school or boarding school? Coeducational or single-sex? If you’re not sure, search for articles and opinions or talk to an educational consultant about which environment might be best for your student.
• Grade range. Do you want a school that focuses on your child’s age range, or one that can serve your child through elementary, middle, and high school?
• Location. Convenience matters, especially if you want your child to take part in school activities. Time the commute before and after school just to be sure.
• Student body. Consider both average class size and total enrollment. A smaller population may mean fewer social opportunities, but more chances for your student to shine. Also consider the diversity of the student body.
• Educational philosophy. Most independent schools fall along a continuum between traditional and progressive, but what does that mean? How are classes taught? How are expectations conveyed? How are students tested? Ask to sit in on a few classes to see how the philosophy plays out.
• Curriculum. What courses are offered? Which are required and which are elective? In what order are math, science, and humanities courses taught? Is there an interdisciplinary emphasis, so that what students study in English meshes with what they’re learning in history? Does the curriculum fit your student’s learning needs?
• Faculty. Examine the faculty list (online or in recruitment materials). Where did teachers go to college? How long have they been teaching? Do their degrees match with what they teach? Is there much turnover? In primary grades, how many teachers are in the classroom? Watch a class to see how teachers interact with students and engage them in the learning process.
• Facilities. In addition to the overall condition of the school, look at the facilities your child may use. Is the art department well-stocked? Are sports facilities well-equipped? Are computers up to date? How extensive is the library/language lab?
• Special programs and extracurriculars. Does the school provide programs that fit your student’s needs and interests? Consider academic support, language programs, arts, athletics, leadership opportunities, and service programs. Is the school a place where your child can blossom?

Using an Educational Consultant

An educational consultant can assist you in determining your child’s needs and identifying schools that will best fit those needs. Consultants can:

• Assess your child’s talents, learning style, and ideal learning environment
• Explain the different types of schools and which students each school serves best
• Identify schools that fit your student’s needs
• Gauge whether a particular school is right for your child
• Explain the application process, calendar, and deadlines
• Help you prepare for campus visits, admission tests, and interviews
• Offer advice and support throughout the admissions process

The Independent Educational Consultant Association (IECA) provides information about consulting services and can connect you with local consultants.

Once you’ve defined your student’s ideal learning environment, use the NAIS Find a School Directory to find schools that fit your child’s needs.

Now that you’ve defined your ideal school and used the NAIS Find a School Directory to find schools that fit your criteria, it’s time to learn more about the schools on your list.

Review each school’s website and request an admissions packet. Don’t hesitate to call the admissions office with questions, even if you’re not sure whether you plan to apply to the school. It is in everyone’s interest to help you ensure that the school is a good fit for your student. Here are just some of the questions you may want to ask:

• What is the school’s mission or educational philosophy?
• Is the school accredited, and if so, by what accrediting agency?
• How many students does the school have? How diverse is the student body?
• What is the student-teacher ratio?
• Do the teachers have degrees in the subjects they teach?
• Is the atmosphere competitive or more nurturing?
• What kinds of students do best at the school?
• What types of learning experiences are available—in class, on the playing field, in extracurricular activities, in leadership programs and community service?
• How does the school get parents involved? What do parents typically do?
• How much is the tuition?
• Are there other charges, such as for books, lab fees, transportation, and so on?
• What financing options or financial aid does the school offer?
• What is the financial aid application process? When are the deadlines?
• What is the process for applying to the school?

When your child has special needs

Many students have diagnoses such as ADHD, anxiety, learning delays, physical disabilities, or behavioral issues. Other children have special talents they want to nurture or learning styles that require additional time or resources in the classroom. Whatever your child’s special needs, it’s best to talk about them honestly and early in the process.

Consider asking the school if you can speak with two or three parents of children who have special needs similar to your student’s. Ask these families:

• How does the school endeavor to meet your child’s needs?
• What do you see as the school’s strengths and weaknesses?
• How would you most like to see the school improve?

If your child is not admitted, it may mean the school doesn’t have the facilities or expertise to meet your child’s needs. In that case, the school wouldn’t be right for your child anyway.

Keep notes on every conversation you have, and look for consistency in the answers. This information should help you narrow your list of possible schools.

Then, you can plan to visit the schools on your list, and see for yourself whether they are a good fit for your child.

A Brief Overview of Typical Progress

What should you expect as your children advance from pre-K to high school graduation? Consider these markers of emotional and intellectual growth as well as advice for parents.

1. Early School Years: Ages 5 to 8

Children begin to emerge from the family nest into the world of teachers, coaches, and friends. Developing independence is a major issue, as is self-esteem. Even so, home is still a vital refuge and emotional base.

Emotional development

• Being with friends (usually of the same sex) begins to become important. In these years children average five close friends and, sometimes, an “enemy,” who may change from day to day. Kids are still self-centered but can begin to view what happens from the perspective of others.
• They are often self-conscious and have their feelings hurt easily. Coping with criticism and failure can be hard.
• They tend to see issues as black and white, right or wrong. Following the rules becomes very important.
• Especially as they get older, they test their growing knowledge of the world by rebelling a bit and talking back.

Intellectual development

• Children are usually eager to learn, do things right, and please adults.
• The attention span grows, though it may still be hard to sit still for more than 20 minutes. They can see an activity through to the end most—but not all—of the time.
• They can learn left and right, tie shoes, and tell time and the days of the week. Their speaking and comprehension vocabularies double. Some may still reverse printed letters (such as b and d).

 Suggestions for parents

• Don’t stop reading aloud, especially books above grade level with plots your children will enjoy.
• Take time to listen seriously and be sensitive to the feelings behind your children’s actions.
• To help them separate more easily, let them start staying overnight with grandparents and friends.
• Allow them to experiment with different activities and materials, even if they don’t always finish things (which won’t happen until adolescence).
• Because children begin to be interested in the difference between truth and lies, be honest and open. Don’t overdo praise, which children can see through when it’s false.
• To teach them to be responsible and caring, behave in those ways yourself. Talk about self-control and making good decisions. Help them learn from criticism by urging them to think about how to do things differently next time. 

2. Middle Childhood: Ages 9 to 11

As you’ll see when your children (especially girls) start showing physical and emotional signs of puberty, these years are preparation for adolescence. Children need to feel a sense of achievement and want to be socially accepted, since friends become even more important. Though they may start thinking they’re too big for adult supervision, without it they feel unhappy and even afraid.

Emotional development

• They’re less likely to have angry outbursts and can defer gratification.
• They show increased interest in joining clubs and competitive sports.
• They start to see parents, teachers, and coaches as fallible, so they may begin to belittle or defy adult authority.
• Child-like wonder and spontaneity are gradually replaced by self-consciousness and guardedness.

Intellectual development

• They can understand abstract concepts even without direct, hands-on experience.
• They become interested in fiction, magazines, and how-to project books; collections and hobbies may be a source of great fascination.
• They may want to discuss careers and fantasize about the future.

Suggestions for parents

• Realize that as your kids begin to be able to talk through problems, you will need to be available and devote more time to listening and helping them think through solutions. As kids move toward adolescence, however, they don’t necessarily want to be talking more with parents.
• Have them practice real skills, such as cooking and yard work. Encourage participation in organized clubs or youth groups. But do not overdo this. Children do not benefit from being overscheduled.
• Give them time and space to be alone to read, daydream, or do homework without interruption. 

3. Adolescence

From 12 to 19, children’s chief developmental job is to separate from parents and forge their own identities. There’s an especially wide variance in what’s considered normal at this age. However, it’s definitely a time of less—teens will spend less time with family, and parents will spend less time caretaking, reading, playing, talking, and teaching. And it’s also a time of more—teens are bigger, more verbal, more likely to take risks, and increasingly judgmental of their parents. Parents must encourage independence but do so within the boundaries of a safe, loving environment for growing up. 

3A. Early Adolescence: Ages 12-14

Emotional and intellectual development

• They struggle with developing a sense of identity and seek privacy. They’re prone to moodiness and may be very sensitive about seemingly small problems, such as hair and weight. They’re more likely to use actions (like door slamming) than words to express feelings.
• Close friendships are very important; their interests and clothes may be heavily influenced by peers.
• They’re less attentive and affectionate to parents and may be rude. But under stress, they revert to childish behavior.
• They can think abstractly and expand their intellectual interests.
• They focus on today and tomorrow, not far-off careers.
• They may test rules and limits, and they may begin to experiment with cigarettes, marijuana, and alcohol.

Suggestions for parents

• Resist seeing only the worst in your changing children. Focus on the positive, including their creativity, curiosity, and fresh ideas.
• View your role as a counselor, not a dictator. Don’t judge every change in hairstyle or clothes as a threat. Impose your will selectively.
• Even as you set reasonable limits, listen to your teen’s viewpoint and react as respectfully as you can. Realize that teen-agers sometimes argue for the sake of arguing, as a means to articulate what they’re thinking.
• Remember that the best way to prevent drinking, smoking, sex, and delinquency is parental monitoring. Set guidelines and clear expectations. Know where your children are, who they’re with, what they’re planning to do, and how they will get there and back.

3B. Middle Adolescence: Ages 15-17

Emotional and intellectual development

• Middle teens tend to be self-absorbed, alternating between unrealistically high expectations and poor opinions of themselves. Girls, especially, may keep a journal to help them examine their inner lives.
• They lower their opinion of their parents (yes, again) and withdraw further emotionally. They’re likely to complain that parents limit their independence but privately may feel sad at the psychological loss of Mommy or Daddy.
• They may feel both longing for and fear of romantic relationships. They develop ideals and role models and show more evidence of a conscience and moral reasoning.
• Intellectual interests gain importance; they grow better at setting goals.

Suggestions for parents

• Like all parents (especially moms), you must accept the reality that kids (especially boys) will want to share less with you as they grow up. Even so, it is a very good idea to know what your teens are doing and who their friends are.
• Don’t exclude them from family activities just because they’re older. Continue to invite their friends to your home and on family outings.
• Use everyday activities—making dinner or running errands—as times to keep in touch and stay close.
• Maintain a bedtime check-in if possible. Don’t assume they’ve outgrown the end-of-the day opportunity to touch base.
• And remember that experts strongly urge you to enforce a policy that children cannot have cellphones or laptops in their bedrooms at night. At the very least, set definite limits.

3C. Late Adolescence: Ages 18-19

Emotional and intellectual development

• Teens have a firmer identity and greater emotional stability.
• They’re better able to delay gratification, think ideas through, express themselves in words, set goals, and follow through.
• Most have developed a clear sexual identity. They’re concerned about serious relationships and capable of tender and sensuous love.
• They have more stable interests and better work habits. They show more concern for the future and their role in life.

Suggestions for parents

• Recognizing that childhood is behind them, strive to create a new relationship in which you and your offspring relate more as adults.

Sources: These developmental milestones were compiled and adapted from the American Academy of Child and Adolescent Psychiatry; Child & Adolescent Services Research Center in San Diego; Canadian Parents Online; Karen DeBord, professor emeritus at North Carolina State University; National Network for Child Care; and Lesia Oesterreich, family life specialist at Iowa State University Extension and Outreach. The material originally appeared in Understanding Your Child, a booklet in the NAIS Independent School Parent Series.

Three Basics All Children Need

1. Nurture: Children need enough to make them feel they’re part of something—family, school, and the wider community—but not so much that they’re smothered or spoiled. They also need to feel confident that they’re treasured for who they are, not what they are supposed to be becoming.
2. Structure: Children need boundaries—a sense of what is and isn’t permitted, especially in regard to how to treat people. Where the boundaries lie is not as important as the fact that they exist and are non-negotiable.
3. Latitude: Children need the freedom to learn from experience. Just as parents need to protect kids from danger, they also need the patience and confidence to let kids struggle at times.

Source: Rob Evans, a clinical psychologist and school consultant and author of Family Matters: The Crisis in Childrearing and Its Impact on Schools and Hopes and Fears: Working with Today’s Independent School Parents.

You’ve defined your ideal school, used the NAIS Find a School Directory to find schools that fit your child’s needs, and narrowed that list by asking the school questions. Now it’s time to see for yourself what the schools are really like.

All schools have their own timelines and procedures for family visits. Check the school’s website or call the admissions office to ask when and how they recommend families visit the school.

The Open House  

The majority of open houses occur in the fall, although some schools schedule one just after the first of the year.

• Look for a calendar or open house dates on the admissions section of the school’s website, or call the admissions office
• Check to see if you need to register, or if you can just drop in
• Find out if there will be a formal welcome during the open house and what time it will occur. This presentation is an ideal opportunity to hear the school head and admissions director talk about the school
• Remember, an open house is not the right forum to ask in-depth questions — it’s too crowded and busy. Jot down questions as you think of them, so you can ask them later, during a personal tour or interview

School Tours

As you tour the school, take notes on your impressions about:

• The quality and condition of school facilities
• The various programs offered that may interest your child
• What the students, teachers, and other families are like

If your tour is conducted by a current student, try to ask:

• Where else did you apply?
• Why did you choose this school?
• If you could change anything about this school, what would it be and why?

 Visiting Preschools and Elementary Schools

When you schedule a tour, ask what happens during school visits. Teachers may invite your child into the classroom, either with you or without you. This may be a chance to see if your child seems best suited for a full day, for mornings only, or whatever schedule the school offers.

Before deciding whether to take your child on a school visit, ask yourself:

• Is your child able to separate from you fairly easily?
• How are his or her verbal communication skills?
• How does the child do in a group?

Ask what the school day is like and how the school program’s size and structure will fit your child. You want to know what the school offers, and more importantly, whether your child is ready for what the school has to offer.

Visiting Boarding Schools

Even if a boarding school is far away, a personal visit is the best way to inspect facilities, meet the staff and faculty, see how classes are conducted, and find out what the other students are like. If a visit is impossible, ask the school for the names of families from your city or area who’ve been involved with the school, so you can talk to them.

As with any school visit, keep good notes of your thoughts and experiences. What impressed you? What fell short of your expectations? You want to determine:

• Will your child be supported here?
• What is expected of students from day to day?
• Where can your child shine in areas of strength and improve in weakness?
• What students do on the weekends? Are there any school-sponsored weekend activities?

Your child will not only be learning, but living at the school, so read the student handbook carefully. What are the general rules? What are the disciplinary policies? What is the school’s definition of academic honesty? Ask the admissions staff what kinds of disciplinary problems the school has dealt with in the last year.

You can get more tips on visiting boarding schools from the Association of Boarding Schools.

If your family needs help assessing your child’s needs, sorting through the many types of schools available, and navigating the admissions process, you may want to consider hiring an educational consultant. 

Educational consultants can…

• explain the range of independent schools and what sort of student each school serves
• highlight benefits/disadvantages of private schooling
• gauge whether a particular private school is right for your child
• discuss the independent school application calendar/timeline
• offer advice regarding the search and admissions process
• explain school admission testing, interviews, and campus visits
• provide a window into the child's talents and needs (educational, social, etc.)

Independent Educational Consultant Association (IECA) is a professional organization for education consultants in private practice. ICEA offers a search function to connect families with local consultants who meet their needs as well as helpful articles.

To help you find the independent school that is right for your student, NAIS provides a searchable database of member and subscriber schools located across the U.S. and in several other countries.

Click here to go to the NAIS Find a School Directory.