In our quiet suburb just north of Chicago, families have access to a very large, nationally recognized public high school. It is not unusual to hear parents ask, “If my child can take glassblowing, join dozens of clubs, and play on a state championship athletic team for free, why would I send her to a small, expensive school that offers fewer options?”
My answer to that question? Brain development. Adolescence is a time of brain rewiring—gaining a sense of self and finding purpose—and a lot of it takes place in high school. In that sense, the right fit for high school might just be more important than for college.
My youngest kids, twins, graduated from high school in June. This prompted some reflection, including our decision to send them and our oldest daughter to a small independent high school instead of the aforementioned highly regarded public option nearby. This coincided with my recent discovery of a 2023 whitepaper by Stuart Grauer, “Small Schools: A Meta Study on the Benefits of Small Schools,” which helped explain what I could never quite articulate.
Grauer discusses the downsides of our “industrialized” education model, which relies on the belief that larger schools can offer more to students at a lower cost. Today’s model, he argues, assumes that large schools have better athletics, clubs, and specialized classes. However, research suggests that beyond about 400 students, there is also a hard-to-quantify cost: Teachers feel less connected, students feel less safe, academic performance is less consistent, and opportunities become less equitably distributed.
In our case, we believed a smaller environment was best for each of our three kids for various reasons. We knew it would offer many things: small class sizes to help develop strong critical thinking skills; the opportunity to participate in athletics over four years that would build teamwork and leadership skills; and a slower social pace, which we hoped would reduce the pressure to conform. What we didn’t anticipate was how deeply and broadly each of those benefits would hit our wildly different kids.
How Independent School Shaped My Kids
For our quiet, oldest daughter, confidence was the key. She was such an “oldest child”—reluctant to make mistakes, cautious in social settings, and doubtful of her own abilities. At the large, public middle school she attended, the most consistent feedback we received about her was that she was very quiet in class until about April, when she finally felt safe enough to speak up.
She told us that she felt invisible to peers and was afraid to engage with certain teachers. So it was especially important to us that she see the same faces in her classrooms each year. In high school, speaking up is part of the learning; she couldn’t afford to lose 80% of that time. She is now in college and has been recognized by professors for her high engagement and perseverance. She has a level of confidence that we believe came from knowing she mattered in high school.
For our son, the social aspect of attending a small high school had the greatest impact. He is a thoughtful, kind young man who is more collaborative than competitive, and he has exceptional visual-spatial strengths. In a writing-intensive environment, English classes were challenging for him. Even though the large public school would have allowed him to focus more directly on engineering, we decided that staying the course would serve him better in the long run.
At his independent school, he was able to float from group to group—playing sports, working out with athletes, trying theater, and playing games every Friday with the Dungeons & Dragons group. Reflecting on his high school experience, he knew that the small environment was much richer for him. He developed a close-knit community and strong friendships across a wide range of interests and personalities. He will study engineering in college and is confident in his ability to succeed there. Equally powerful, he can hold his own with a difficult essay.
His twin sister, our younger daughter, is the PB to his J. Where he is pensive, she is expressive and outgoing. We used to joke that she would run the local public school of 4,000 students. But girls are different. During the high school years, and even middle school, they tend to lose confidence. It was very important to us that she continue with athletics, as that seems to be a social buffer and confidence builder for girls. It worked. She has every bit of confidence (sometimes too much) in her many abilities.
She recently shared that, in a larger environment, she is certain she would have invested far more energy in social status. Instead, the breadth of opportunities at her small school kept her deeply engaged; she was a strong student, an athlete, and a leader. Her validation needs were satisfied through these identities with considerably less social pressure. She never stopped taking chances, and that is now wired into her identity, providing much of her confidence.
The Big Benefits of Small Schools
In my high school experience, in a school of more 2,000 students, I ended up in a “track,” academically, socially, and extracurricular-ly. There wasn’t room for me to explore or try things I wasn’t already good at. My friends were all pretty homogenous.
Grauer’s whitepaper helped clarify what I had already sensed: Smaller schools can make learning, participation, and relationships more accessible; students in small schools are often more likely to feel connected to one another and to adults who know them well. We saw this play out in our kids’ school. They could move between academic levels as they were ready, and the culture pushed them to engage beyond familiar circles. As a result, they graduated with a wider and deeper range of friendships and experiences than I had in my large high school.
I also believe our children carried less stress because adults knew them well. Teachers could understand what was happening academically and personally and respond with flexibility and care. Leadership and participation felt accessible rather than intensely competitive; both of the twins, for example, joined the school musical for the first time as seniors. In a place where trying something new was encouraged and imperfection was allowed, they could stretch themselves without the pressure to be “the best.”
Looking back, we would make the same investment again without hesitation. Those high school years gave our kids room to take healthy risks, build strong relationships, and find real joy in learning. The outcome was not just academic success but three capable, curious young adults who believe they have something to offer. The investment is significant, but the payoff lasts a lifetime.
To the independent school leaders who believe in your mission and keep your schools current and challenging for students, thank you. Small made all the difference for our kids.