For high school seniors, the first few months back to school can be a maelstrom of anxiety, excitement, anticipation, melancholy, and intense growing pains. They’ll spend the first few days readjusting to the routines of high school—class schedules, new cellphone policies, getting to know unfamiliar teachers, assessing the status of friendships, and more. But it won’t take long for the reality of college applications and decisions to rear up and threaten to swallow many of them whole.
As a parent and a school psychologist at Philips Exeter Academy (NH), I’ve observed my son and I’ve listened to seniors talk about the college application process. I’ve learned about the pressure they put on themselves, the perceived pressure from parents and other adults, and the competition among classmates for the few spots at coveted schools. Many students have healthy attitudes toward applying to colleges, but I’ve met with many more students who have absorbed unrealistic or inaccurate ideas from other people, most often their parents and peers. It’s essential that adults at schools and at home collaborate to mitigate students’ anxiety and depression and the pressure they feel as part of the process. More importantly, as adults, we must remind each other about the ways in which we may be increasing that pressure.
Trust the College Counselors
In a January letter to parents of the Sidwell Friends School (DC) Class of 2019, Head of School Bryan Garman wrote the following: “In this new year, I hope that we will recommit to helping children understand that college is merely the next destination on a lifelong journey, not their destiny.”Garman had the unenviable task of following up on a separate letter sent by Patrick Gallagher, then director of college counseling, which outlined a new set of counseling office rules, including that the office will not answer phone calls from blocked numbers or open mail without a recognizable return address. It was a response to a growing trend of disrespectful and counterproductive parent behavior and hostile commentary on the performance of college counselors, as well as on the character of individual students.
It’s important that parents understand the demands placed on college counselors, so that they can respect and appreciate the efforts that go into this increasingly difficult profession. Having straddled both the administrative side and the parent side of the college admission process, I have come to deeply appreciate the college counselor’s role.
Depending on school size, a typical independent day or boarding high school has three to 12 college counselors, and each counselor works with about 20–25 students. Good college counselors get to know their students and families in January of a student’s junior year, probably scheduling at least one formal meeting with each family. These communications will be informative and will outline the steps students need to take. But behind the scenes, college counselors:
- collect, organize, and track each student’s progress on their applications and monitor test scores and deadlines;
- speak to teachers, especially to those whom the students have asked to write recommendations;
- write detailed letters introducing students to college admission teams; and
- maintain contact with admission professionals across the country—the world, if necessary—on behalf of their students.
An Inside Look
My office at my previous school, The Winsor School (MA), was next to that of the director of college counseling. We’d work together to help students who were experiencing struggles related to the process. He’d give me a heads-up if he knew that students might not be receiving the good news they hoped for. With this information, I could proactively reach out to students or be prepared should they need support. In turn, I might let him know if I thought a student or parent needed some extra clarification or education. There is so much information to digest and remember—deadlines, distinctions between early admission and early action, financial-aid processes. It’s common for there to be confusion and questions.
I personally benefited from seeing firsthand how my colleague worked with parents, as he shared valuable advice and information about schools and programs, essay writing, and financial aid. I learned more about the process and thereby avoided asking my son too many questions. The most helpful thing I did for my son was to take the whole financial-aid piece off his plate. In the beginning, I had little to no understanding of the Free Application for Federal Student Aid (FAFSA) or The College Board College Scholarship Service (CSS) forms. My colleague had the answers at the tip of his tongue. Once I had enough information, I didn’t need to discuss finances too much with my son, which would have made him more anxious.Midway through my son’s process, we had one formal meeting with his college counselor. She allowed us the time we needed to ask our questions and to get the message that he was in good hands with her. She also assured us that he was attending regular meetings with her and hitting the deadlines set by the counseling center. By keeping at a respectful distance, my son knew he could come to us if he needed to.
Hit Submit, then Recalibrate
Once the applications are in, focus needs to shift back to schoolwork, which hopefully did not fall completely off the desk during the melee of college visits, interviews, and essay-writing. Teachers, deans, and upper administrators need to be sensitive and flexible during the fall months, but high school doesn’t pause. In my experience, adults at independent high schools are aware of how stressful senior year is and will go to any length to ease the pressure. College counselors generally have an open line of communication with teachers and administrators during this time and know when to reach out to advocate for their students, while also maintaining student privacy.In late winter and early spring, when the decisions start to come in, adults need to rally around and be prepared to support and celebrate. It was a tradition at Winsor for the students to not only share their acceptance letters, but also post their denial or deferral letters on a “Wall of Shame” in the senior homeroom. A few students didn’t participate, but most found this type of honesty and transparency refreshing and comforting.
It’s important for the adults to reiterate that “where you go is not who you'll be,” as writer Frank Bruni says, because sometimes that realization takes time to reach our hearts and heads. If we truly want our young people to experience less angst and anxiety in the college application process, the messages they receive from all of us—parents and educators—must reflect Garman’s statement that college is not a student’s ultimate destiny, but a single destination on life’s journey.
College Admission Prep Reading List
Colleges That Change Lives by Loren Pope profiles 40 schools many people have never heard of yet have the “proven ability to develop potential, values, initiative, and risk-taking in a wide range of students.” Pope also addresses home-schooling, learning challenges, and single-gender education.
College Admissions Together: It Takes a Family by Steven Roy Goodman and Andrea Leiman focuses on “getting into college with a minimum of family fuss.”
From the back cover of Where You Go Is Not Who You’ll Be by Frank Bruni: “Over the last few decades, Americans have turned college admissions into a terrifying and occasionally devastating process, starting with a conviction among too many young people that their futures will be determined and their worth established by which schools say yes and which say no. That belief is wrong. It’s cruel.”
