Following academics, perhaps parents’ second-greatest area of concern relates to their children’s social development. “Are they making friends?” “Are they working with the group?” “Are they being excluded?” These are frequently asked questions at conference time. While the small, safe, and nurturing environment of the independent school — combined with their longstanding tradition of focusing on the whole child — offers great opportunities for social engagement and social learning, these same environments can present unique challenges as children and teens go through the normal ups and downs inherent to social development. These 10 tips are designed to help parents navigate this frequently changing landscape.
1. Stay Relaxed and Keep Your Own Emotions at a Distance.
Like any area of education, social learning takes place through successes and mistakes. Kids will struggle at times and need to know you will be an island of stability in sometimes stormy seas.
2. Be Role Models in Communication and Relationship Management.
Research shows that one of the biggest predictors of middle school students gossiping about each other was gossiping among their parents. If you model positive social and emotional skills, so will your kids.
3. Maintain Your Friendships.
Independent school families often form close friendships between the children and parents during the early elementary years. At the same time, it’s not uncommon for children to completely change their friends during the later elementary and middle school years. Agree with other parents that you will maintain your friendship even if your children decide to no longer be friends.
4. Discuss Social Issues in a Calm Manner.
Start with some basic facts and don’t go too deep into it when your child has a problem. Always empower your child’s ability to problem-solve and try some solutions as a first step. If the problem appears to be more serious and above a student’s level of management, let the school know what’s going on so that teachers and administrators can foster resolution, monitor the situation, and enforce discipline if necessary.
5. Offer Another Perspective.
Help your child look at any social challenge from a different perspective and develop some emotional distance. You might say, “He/she always spoke highly of you, social mistakes are part of growing up, middle school involves trying on different roles and behaviors, strong reactions often make it worse, some kids like to be top dogs, don’t worry about being popular, just be a friend.”
6. Hold Your Child Accountable.
Start by accepting that every child has the capacity to make a social mistake. If the school calls with a concern, support the teacher and let your child know what your expectations are for appropriate behavior. Questioning the teachers only weakens the schools’ ability to maintain top behavioral standards.
7. Reinforce Positive Social Behavior.
Let your child know how proud you are of his or her positive behavior. Be particularly positive when your child stands up to inappropriate behavior, protects a victimized classmate, or leads the majority in making positive friendships the norm for the classroom.
8. Have Social Goals.
As with academics, have specific social and emotional goals for your child. Identify specific behaviors that are problematic or could be enhanced and develop expectations and a plan for improvements in these areas.
9. Monitor Electronic Socializing.
Start slow with emailing, texting, and other cyber-communications and rigorously monitor your child’s activities. Make sure you have the passwords and let your child know that you will be reading all content. Develop a “no deletion” rule, which means you are the only one who is allowed to delete content or they will lose the privilege.
10. Relax and Seek Additional Guidance.
Seek help if your child’s struggles appear to be chronic in nature, if the teacher suggests so, or if your child has consistent distress over what his or her reality is versus what he or she wants in his or her social life.