Following divorce, many fathers are reduced to contact with their children every other weekend and perhaps one night a week. As a result, it becomes a challenge for them to stay connected with their children. But one way that fathers can remain close to their children is through the school. School provides fathers with a host of wonderful opportunities to spend more time with their children, get to know their children's friends and teachers well, and be intimately involved with their children's evolving school experience.
While I have known Tim (a fellow school parent) throughout his married years, it has been only recently that I have become acquainted with him as a single father, like myself. I noticed that he would faithfully take time from the middle of his day to pick up his children from school. It amazed me that such a busy and successful businessman would take this time to not just pull up to the curb and wait, but walk to the pickup area and warmly greet his two children. Last year, Tim was the only father to come to my lecture for parents. He and I began to discuss the rewards of being involved with our children's school lives and the various strategies we have each developed to make this happen.
While this is directed at single fathers, the same principles apply to all dads who want to be meaningfully involved in the lives of their kids. Certainly, we all need to earn livings and provide for our families, but the school environment is brimming with more significant rewards.
Ten Do's and Don'ts for Dads
1. Start early: Read and volunteer in preschool and kindergarten. Support your child's pleasure connection with school by helping in the classroom.
2. Honor the other parent: Never put down or speak negatively of your child's mother in the school environment (or any other time). If there are school-related differences between the two of you, discuss them with respect.
3. Honor the teacher: Give the teacher the benefit of the doubt and build a positive, working relationship. Help your child pick holiday gifts for the teacher and don't be shy about giving compliments or writing thank-you notes. Small gestures, like a coffee gift card, show that you appreciate and understand his or her hard work.
4. Organize and follow through: Read all the notes, sign permission slips, know the homework, practice the spelling words, and organize the backpacks.
5. Don't place unrealistic demands on the school: You and your ex should work out sick pick-ups or after-school care. Get a copy machine for extras beyond the duplicate report card and weekly FYI's. Most importantly, attend conferences with your ex and create a pleasant environment. If new partners attend, make sure they have the emotional maturity to be positive.
6. Don't fish for information: If you have concerns about your ex or are in the middle of custody decisions, don't place the teacher in the middle with your questions or comments. Get a professional evaluator and leave the school out of it.
7. Take your child to school: The 10 minutes on the way to school or the bus stop can be the most rewarding and enriching times of the day in your father/child relationship. Help review a test, discuss what's going on socially, or listen to the issues floating around the school community.
8. Be on time, get out of the car, and turn off the cell phone: Your physical presence at pick-up speaks volumes about your interest in your children. Show some interest and play around with the other kids. You will be valued by your child and his or her friends.
9. Get involved: Budget your time off and vacation time to attend field trips and lectures. Volunteer on parent committees, class parties, or the school book fair.
10. Stop chasing the dollar, the better golf score, etc.: Make time with your child and put the school first. These elementary and middle school years are precious and pass very quickly.